How to is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How do we do it,
My wife and I have been married for 18 years and together for 22. We are happy, successful, have children, the white picket fence, the whole lot. A while ago I had a dream that opened something up for me.
I saw her kissing another man and woke up not feeling jealous, not excited, but somehow at ease with the idea. It has slowly evolved into the idea of offering her a “hall pass”. I don’t want it to be reciprocal, nor do I want to know if she uses it or with whom (I’ve decided on a few other rules that shouldn’t be listed here) – but the idea that she might find herself in a situation that would resulting in her pleasure and being able to benefit from it with my consent (if not my knowledge) is attractive to me. However, I’m not sure how she would react if I made the offer. I can’t think of a way to even casually joke about it to gauge her interest. She is not an overly sexual person and probably wouldn’t even be interested, but she is human with human desires. I need help deciding if it’s a gift worth giving or just a stupid idea that I should forget before I accidentally destroy our marriage.
-Dream or nightmare?
Jessica Stoya: I just ran a column about a guy who told his 17-year-old wife about his long-standing fantasy, and she was so weirded out by it that she thought he didn’t love her. The writer didn’t specify, but I assumed there was an element of shock because they’d been together for so long and then suddenly he said, “By the way, I’d like you to have sex with other men.” That can be really worrisome, so check that column for a first-person account of how this could go wrong, just to factor that into your overall risk assessment.
Rich Juzwiak: The dynamic in this question is interesting because usually these questions are: “I want to have sex with someone else. How can I do this?” And there is a real risk that people feel in accepting this desire and what their partner will think and how it will change the relationship. This particular scenario, I would say, is quite unique in terms of the writer saying, “I don’t want anything in return. I don’t even want to know about it.” It seems as if the main event for the writer would simply be the conversation in which he gives the ability of this hall to his wife, and then he would simply live knowing that he has allowed her to have her freedom. To me, this seems like low talk, but I know people have different sensibilities.
Jessica: In heterosexual relationships, there is a strong historical framework of love as jealousy—of jealousy and possessiveness as love languages. And so, I think, the reason why the wife of the writer I mentioned earlier thought that sharing his fantasies was a sign that he did not love her. So that’s something I think is worth considering here as well. Maybe the way to feel it is not to joke. Because if you present it as a joke, it will be taken as a joke. Instead, why not start a conversation about what the expectation of fidelity means within their relationship?
Rich: Yes. Because while what you just alluded to is the idea that fidelity equals monogamy, in a consensual non-monogamous situation, these things are not equal. Loyalty would be keeping an agreement. It doesn’t necessarily mean not having sex with other people. It means we have sex with other people on our own terms. One may not take offense to the notion that monogamy and fidelity are the same thing, but that can be a difficult thing to instill in someone.
Jessica: Occasionally, I wish I could include a visual aid. I will draw this in the air and try to describe it. The conversation tree might start with, “Hey, all this talk about sex positivity in the media lately has made me curious about what faithfulness means to you in our relationship.”
The woman might respond with Option A: “It just means honoring the agreements we have.” To which the writer can say: “Excellent. I have this fantasy…”
Or Option B: “That means monogamy.” To which the writer might reply, “Where does this come from?”
Follow-up questions about this should be asked carefully to avoid a potentially explosive scenario, but there are ways to be like, “Oh, we never talked about why we chose monogamy. When we got together 22 years ago, the thing to do was just to let go of all these assumptions, and I’m really curious.” So coming from a place of curiosity and caution can help our writer see if his suggestion would ruin his marriage. And also, these conversations, even if he decides to keep his fantasy to himself, can be a really good way for people in a relationship to rewrite what they mean to each other and what their roles and expectations are. theirs.
Rich: I would just be careful to point out that they are not proposing this so that the LWs themselves can have sex with other people. You have to take that conversation and really bring it home, because I think a lot of people are going to doubt that when their partner comes up and says, “You can have sex with someone else,” they mean, “I want to sex with someone else, and I’m getting ahead of that conversation.”
So you have to break it down a little bit and say, “No, really, it just happened to me basically from a philosophical point of view.” It feels like there’s an aspect of generosity, but it also feels like the writer is just like, “This should be a thing that’s allowed. I don’t want anything in return for this. I just think in principle, you can have that if you want.” You just have to be really specific with your words and really drive those points home. This is a nuanced proposition, so you have to respect the nuance of what you are looking for.
Jessica: And the other thing people tend to assume is that their partner is no longer interested in sex with them, and so wants them to take it elsewhere. This is how you do the sandwich maneuver. When it comes to bringing up the actual topic, “I find you very attractive. I love you so much. Here’s the situation, and I want to remind you how much you turn me on and that I love it because the idea of it is interesting to me.” Then just hammer the point home with an addendum: “I think you’re so hot I find you a lot attractive.”
More tips from Slate
I’m a procrastinator; my partner is a person of yesterday. Earlier this year, I was trying to do my taxes. My partner, as motivation, said, “Do them and I’ll blow you.” Because my partner is very good at this, I went to work right away, but was hampered by some missing documents. Flash forward to now, and the missing form is in hand. Pleased with myself for the appearance, I mentioned to my partner that I would get him BJ as soon as possible. They laughed!
